Justice for Stephen and Älvarún
for Älvarún.
This is a difficult story to tell and a long one, though I’ll try to be concise. Be warned that it involves abuse; physical, psychological, emotional, abuse of the system and abuse of power. It covers the last six years of my brother Stephen’s life and the entirety of the life of his daughter, Älvarún. It is a summary of the time that they have spent with and without each other. I am telling it now because their futures hang in the balance and because its ending is unwritten.
Älvarún is conceived
I had met Stephen’s ex only a couple of times before the news of the pregnancy. I liked her, and I could see the ways that she and my brother connected over art and medieval history. Early on, I experienced some odd interactions with her. Our conversations went to a strained place easily and it felt like we were on different pages. She mentioned that her family had been expecting a pregnancy and that she had hoped to become a mother for some time. She and my brother had only recently been dating and I wondered about her motivations. But I proceeded in full support of this new family and was excited about my coming niece.
Over the pregnancy I traveled from Davis to Eugene to help Stephen move out of his downtown apartment and into a converted garage in the neighboring town where his ex was living. The space is attached to a rental property owned by her mom. When I asked why they weren't moving in with him instead, he said that with lower rent he could save more money for his coming family. I thought to myself that he was already making big sacrifices and showing up for them. I was proud of him.
It was a difficult conversation when Stephen told us that things were not going well. They had been living together for a short while. He explained that he was struggling to navigate some of their interactions. I assumed that what he was referring to were normal pregnancy hormones and stresses from approaching parenthood, so I told him that I thought it was good that he had found a strong willed woman. The tone of his response - that the situation wasn’t good at all - was the first time that I could see that he was hurting.
Stephen described nights where he was not allowed to sleep and fits of rage where any attempt to physically remove himself from the argument would trigger aggression from his ex. Heavy items were hurled at his head. Things had escalated quickly into physical altercations. He told me about a situation that was becoming physical during which he attempted to restrain his ex. He expressed confusion over how to feel about whether or not he was permitted to defend himself. His words were “I'm not perfect either.”
Things continued to escalate between Stephen and his ex after Älvarún was born. Their romantic partnership ended and Stephen moved out. He would still spend time with Älvarún, often picking her up and taking her to the park. The co-parenting relationship with his ex continued to be tumultuous. In what he describes as the most brutal incident during this period, his ex became angry at him for leaving the gate open when he arrived to pick up Älvarún and his ex’s dog briefly got out of the fence. While both of his hands were wrapped around his daughter, his ex hit him in the face and continued to attack him. In an effort to protect Älvarún and without the ability to block a blow, he kicked his ex away from him and left.
I don’t know all of the details of what went on between them in that garage. But I’ve never seen my brother in that state before. Over these months, he was overwhelmed and shaken - a contrast to his normal even mood. I imagine that he found himself ill equipped to navigate his way safely out of this situation, especially when threats of taking his daughter away were thrown into the mix.
Älvarún disappears
I can still feel the shock of the moment that I learned that Älvarún and her mom had moved to Sweden without my brother. Älvarún was less than one year old and all of a sudden, she was gone. Stephen was in Seattle for a couple of days and returned to find his daughter’s home unoccupied. Unable to reach Älvarún or her mom, he was informed by one of her family members that she had moved with the baby to Sweden. This family member seemed surprised that he was unaware of any plans to do so. It had always been their intention to raise Älvarún in Sweden. When they were still living together, Stephen had applied for permanent residency, and it was granted. His ex posted a warm thank you to him for the gift of being able to live there with their daughter. After they broke up and while they were still saving money to make the move, Stephen had expressed hesitation to leave his support system in the midst of new fatherhood. He would have to integrate into a new country, culture, and language, secure housing and a job for himself, and his interactions with his ex were still proving volatile.
We were blindsided by Älvarún’s disappearance. Stephen’s ex had taken his savings, leaving him without the resources to make the move himself. Some of his furniture was also missing which he learned that his ex had sold. I urged him to contact the police and he was hesitant to do so, which I struggled to understand. I later read about male victims of abuse and that “while domestic violence does not discriminate when it comes to gender, men seem to not report abuse in the same way women do. In fact, many men remain silent because they think there’s no point in reporting the abuse because no one will ever believe them” (“Myths around men experiencing abuse”). He did end up going to the police only to be informed that there was nothing that could be done because his ex is a Swedish citizen.
I quickly began a GoFundMe campaign to raise funds for Stephen to move to Sweden and be reunited with his daughter. He had finally connected with his ex, who had been publicly called out for her disappearance, and she agreed to receive him in Sweden if he came there. The campaign raised around three thousand dollars which succeeded in helping Stephen relocate and reunite with Älvarún. With those funds he purchased a one way ticket, secured housing for himself, and had a short buffer period during which he attained a job and settled into his new life with his kid.
The recordings
Before he departed for Sweden, Stephen emailed myself and members of my family an audio recording that was around two hours long. It was a full conversation - from start to finish - with his ex’s close family member who was a regular part of their lives in Eugene. My heart broke as I listened to him recount his experience and ask questions to better understand why the decision to disappear was made. I gained a good deal of clarity from this conversation too, as more of the situation in which Stephen had found himself became clear and more of his ex’s history was discussed. I learned volatility was familiar in their family and that her sister had once called the police over an escalating situation involving Stephen’s ex. One comment stuck with me. She exclaimed in a worried and sympathetic tone that Stephen had no idea what he had gotten himself into. But probably the most valuable insight from this conversation came when this family member explicitly and carefully suggested to Stephen that it would be a good idea to read up about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), but to be careful not to say those words around his ex as she would know where they came from.
To this day, I do not know if Stephen’s ex has received an official diagnosis, but I do know that her family has made assessments along those lines. I’ve since read about personality disorders and their link to incidents of abuse. One resource states that,
“... female abusers may also be living with narcissistic personality disorder, defined as a pattern of grandiose self-importance and a lack of empathy. This, or any other mental illness, does not cause nor excuse abuse. Plenty of people with personality disorders do not control or harm their partners. But it may help the survivor of abuse understand what they’re up against, such as gaslighting or the abuser projecting their own faults onto the survivor” (Kippert).
Along with the audio file that he sent, Stephen made a request that we all read up on BPD and how to navigate it. I dove deep into articles, books, and videos regarding BPD and its components, like fear of abandonment and gaslighting. There is a lot of pain behind a disorder like this and a great deal of suffering. It is complicated to feel sympathy for a person’s experience, while also feeling anger that their reactions and responses have had such a negative impact on my family. I believe Stephen sent us this recording to protect its existence. He had mentioned once before that he had video recorded aggression from his ex when they were living together and had woken up the next morning to find those recordings erased from his phone.
Stephen has since shared additional recordings that hold context and information (still on his fb page). To me, they also reveal manipulations he was fielding during this time. For example, his ex’s mom tells him that no matter what her daughter's behavior looks like, she as a parent cannot fight back and he as a man cannot either. He responds by asking her who will defend him, if he cannot or does not defend himself. Is he expected to simply suffer her attacks? In another conversation between Stephen and his ex, she speaks to the hit and the kick - the incident that occured around the dog and the gate. She argues that they equally abused each other - that her hitting him in the face while he held his child and could not defend himself is equal to him kicking her away from him during an unprovoked attack while he is holding their child. When I heard her frame the incident this way, I thought of something that I had read on the Mayo Clinic web page for male victims of domestic violence. It says,
“You may not be sure whether you're the victim or the abuser. It's common for survivors of domestic violence to act out verbally or physically against the abuser, yelling, pushing, or hitting him or her during conflicts. The abuser may use such incidents to manipulate you, describing them as proof that you are the abusive partner” (Mayo).
I’m grateful that Stephen had the foresight and courage to record these conversations. They are difficult to listen to but they are evidence of the truth.
Sweden
Things did not get better between Stephen and his ex in Sweden. Initially, Stephen would spend fragmented time with Älvarún, although he explained that it was always essentially a hostage negotiation to do so. He struggled to navigate hand offs and work schedules with her. There were additional altercations. At some point, Älvarún’s mom purchased a home in the countryside outside of Malmö, where they had all been living. She moved out of the city with Älvarún and enrolled her in a new preschool close by. After that, she refused to allow Stephen to see his daughter anymore. So he sued her for custody in Sweden.
Allegations of abuse
The Swedish trial was a painful, several years long undertaking. Shortly after it began, very serious allegations of abuse were levied against Stephen and a public online campaign to characterize him as an abuser was waged. I want to be clear here: I would never want to deny the truth of a victim of abuse. As Stephen’s sister, I have had to ask myself difficult questions. This was the first time any such accusations had occurred in Stephen’s life. He has a calm and thoughtful personality. I have known him my entire life and I consider us close. I have never experienced or witnessed violence or aggression from him, both in childhood and throughout our adult lives. He has consistently upheld that any abuse or violence that ever occured between him and his ex was introduced by her and he has unwaveringly maintained the falsehood of her claims. I believe him. Several of his prior partners are family friends and I asked those partners the difficult questions too. He has had failed relationships like the rest of us, but they have not been violent. Even in our conversations about his experiences, he has always attempted to understand his ex. He read books about de-escalation techniques and explored the possible root causes for these kinds of behaviors.
Stephen’s voice has largely been silenced by the narrative that his ex has worked to establish - a narrative that does not reflect the reality that was happening at the time. She has posted appeals on her social media platforms claiming that she is afraid of my brother and urging people to unfollow him. Over the course of the trial, she harassed Stephen’s witnesses and supporters, demanding that they unfollow him or labeling them supporters of abuse. This is how you silence a person - you take away their credibility and you isolate them from their community.
As the trial progressed, the allegations became more outlandish and severe, and repurposed photos of bruises started to be introduced as evidence. At one point, one of Stephen’s ex’s testifying witnesses dropped out and approached Stephen, letting him know that they were being pressured into giving testimony that they knew to be false. The trial wasn’t all horrible, however. So much good came from legal intervention. Social Services conducted a thorough investigation and a regular connection between Stephen and Älvarún was protected by an interim judgment that ordered weekly visitations. I could see my brother coming into his own again; making art, making music, continuing to grow with his kid. He self funded his representation over the entire custody lawsuit in Sweden and accepted a promotion during this time at his job in order to continue to pursue and provide for Älvarún.
Christmas in Oregon
We were proud of Stephen and excited to have the ability to finally spend time with Älvarún. Around Christmas of that year (2019), Stephen scheduled a trip to Oregon, where his ex and his daughter would be spending the holiday season vending at fairs and markets that supported his ex’s small business. Stephen’s intention was to bring Älvarún to our Christmas, which we decided to have in Portland in order to be close to Älvarún’s mom. His ex agreed to these plans, so my family booked a vacation rental and made arrangements to travel from Southern California and Washington state, where we all live. The plan was that my parents would pick Stephen up from LAX on their way to Eugene, where they would pick up Älvarún from her mom at a designated location. My family would then drive both Stephen and Älvarún up the rest of the way to Portland, where my husband and I would meet them. Älvarún’s mom was in communication with my mom nearing their scheduled hand off. She was asking questions like what kind of car my parents were in and their estimated time of arrival. She also mentioned some items she’d be sending with Älvarún. When my family arrived in the parking lot, Älvarún and her mom were nowhere around, but the police were there waiting for the car that my family was in. Stephen was arrested on probable cause of assault, based entirely on a police report filed by his ex and her mom. The incident in question was the altercation in Eugene, about the dog and the gate and involving the hit and the kick.
The arresting officer was a real shithead. My younger brother, David, kept his camera on the arrest. I worried about how Stephen might be treated when I heard. He has a small frame and a unique look. He has face tattoos and his hair spans the length of his back. He’s a metal musician and he looks like it. Our father is Mexican and Native American and at a glance, Stephen is a dark featured, culturally ambiguous man. The arresting officer left his business card with my parents and told them that any relevant information to Stephen’s case needed to be submitted through his contact information. My parents were able to bail out my brother just before closing time on that Friday afternoon. Stephen narrowly escaped spending the weekend behind bars. I started working on a statement and reached out to the arresting officer to see if I could come in to submit it. After I didn’t hear back I tried harder to get in touch with him, emailing him and calling police dispatch several times to request to be connected with him or to set up an appointment. He did not reply to me before the arraignment and I was forced to email my statement directly to the DA the morning of, along with an explanation as to why and my apologies.
No charges were pressed against Stephen and he was released. We were mentally prepared for him to be taken into custody at his arraignment in what was becoming a nightmare situation. But instead, he was given the green light to return to Sweden. We rebooked his flight and he went home. This trip was intended to be a long overdue family gathering celebrating a joyful holiday but it was instead a continuation of trauma at the hands of Stephen’s ex. Still, it was good to see my brother and to be there to support him this time around.
Älvarún disappears, again
Shortly after he returned to Sweden, Stephen’s workplace received an email from his ex containing his mug shot and describing him as a convicted felon in America. It was a transparent attempt to undercut his employment in Sweden and it was disregarded. Stephen had been in good communication with his employer over the course of these events and they had offered to loan him any money he might need to regroup. Almost immediately after his return, he was served papers for a restraining order that had been filed in Oregon. This order was filed during the same holiday season as the arrest, even though they had all been living in Sweden for a while now. It was eventually dismissed for falsified grounds, but while the legal cogs turned, it interrupted his interim judgment and court ordered visitations with Älvarún.
And then Älvarún and her mom disappeared again. A friend of mine that follows Stephen’s ex on social media notified me that she had seen recent posts disclosing that they had just arrived in a move back to Oregon. During that crucial period when they disappeared from Sweden and Stephen could have gone after her for international kidnapping, he was not allowed to know anything about her whereabouts. So I emailed the proof that my friend had sent me directly to his Swedish lawyer and asked her to notify him. This was at the start of 2020.
Global pandemic
For most of 2020, the world went under lockdown and international travel became impossible. Throughout the first half of the year, Stephen was involved in the legal proceedings that eventually reversed the restraining order. Hearings had been rescheduled and pushed back extensively during this time. Stephen expressed feelings of worry being so far away from his daughter through this globally vulnerable moment, especially over the summer when wildfires ripped through the area surrounding Eugene and Älvarún and her mom had been evacuated. Time passed as it did that year and they settled back into the garage attached to her mother’s rental unit while Stephen remained in Sweden. After two international disappearances and the psychological toll of the ordeal that he had already undergone, it was a bit of relief for me to know that they were living in different countries. I worried about the physical altercations often whenever they lived near each other. I couldn't convince myself that following his ex back to the US was the right move, even when borders opened back up. I knew that Sweden was an integral part of his ex’s public identity and that her business was centered around Swedish textiles and sheepskins. She owns a home there. I anticipated that she would return after the final custody judgment, which had still been scheduled for a later date. In my opinion, Stephen’s best bet would be to keep building and maintaining the stability he had worked hard to achieve there, even through uncertain times. I believe the back and forth evasive behavior of Stephen’s ex is part of a strategy to undercut his resources. Whatever the intent, the actual result has been a tumultuous roller coaster ride in both Stephen and Älvarún’s lives, and it was nice to have a moment without crisis.
The Swedish custody judgment
I remember the joy I felt the morning I read the ruling after it was announced. It was December of 2020. Stephen had been awarded shared custody. He was to incrementally increase his time with Älvarún up to three nights per week, an approach designed to reduce the potential for stress to Älvarún from a jolt in her routine. Inconsistencies in his ex’s testimony and evidence were called out in the ruling as the decision concluded that Stephen was the more stable and reliable parent of the two. But, because of his ex’s dual citizenship, the court did not determine where they would live. This was to be decided between them.
Since Älvarún is living only four hours away from me at this time, and since Stephen is legally entitled to shared custody of Älvarún, I decided to try to establish a relationship with her and her mom. I wanted (and still want) to visit regularly and spend time with my niece. I made numerous phone calls and sent texts and emails to Stephen’s ex as well as to her mom and her sister over the course of the last year and a half. I have been completely ignored. The only person who ever engaged with me was Stephen’s ex’s mom, but only briefly to explain that she would not facilitate any communication or visitation and that I would need to communicate directly with Stephen’s ex only. I have persistently tried to connect with her and have offered to comply with her terms for the chance to visit. I offered to have conversations beforehand, to try to make room for healing, resolve our differences and move forward in a healthy direction. I have sent gifts for birthdays and Christmases. Älvarún’s mom has never responded to any of my communications. She has also blocked me from every platform that we share including my phone number.
Evasion and enforcement of the Swedish judgment
Since relocating to Eugene, Stephen’s ex has traveled to Sweden on at least two separate occasions. Both trips were several weeks long. During the first trip, she left Älvarún in the care of her mom in Eugene for over a month. During the second and most recent trip ( in the spring of 2022), she brought Älvarún back to Sweden with her. Stephen has maintained court appointed facetime calls twice per week with Älvarún since the start of his custody case in Sweden and had noticed the change in surroundings during these calls. When he asked Älvarún where they were, his ex jumped on to say that they were in Portland, Oregon. The next morning, Stephen and a friend drove to his ex’s house in Sweden and found Älvarún and her mom there. Their interactions are videotaped. His ex instructed Älvarún to close her eyes as she carried my niece past Stephen and loaded her into a car, prohibiting Älvarún from seeing her father. This was the first time Stephen had seen Älvarún in person in years. His ex said to Stephen that they could arrange a public visitation, which was set up and to which she did not show. She failed to notify Stephen of Älvarún’s presence in Sweden for weeks, knowing that it would mean that she would have to share Älvarún’s time with him when they were in the same country.
Stephen quickly filed a new enforcement case in Sweden and a hearing was scheduled. In the meantime, he was served with papers drafted by her Oregon lawyer requesting a transfer of the case jurisdiction to Oregon and subsequently a challenge in Oregon for full custody of Älvarún. The enforcement case in Sweden was dismissed in the presence of these US filings.
A new Oregon chapter
Which brings us to today. In order for Stephen to be fully present for this new custody trial, he is moving back and will be rebuilding his life in Oregon from square one. The foundation that he has persevered to build for himself is again cut out from underneath him as a new chapter unfolds in his fight for his relationship with this daughter.
The last six years of our lives have been filled with heartache and disappointment. I never imagined this reality for us. There have been moments of joy, but we have not found resolution nor had access to my niece despite taking the steps to protect our connection to her. Stephen's life has been hugely affected through every stage of this saga, and again as he readies himself to move. Älvarún’s life has undoubtedly been impacted the most, as she has spent her first five years being kept from her father. As her family, we have done all that we can think of to reach Älvarún here in the US, short of showing up on her doorstep. We won’t give up on her and I’ve mentally braced myself for at least 13 more years of struggle. As an aunt, I feel helpless. I’m worried for Älvarún and about the trauma that will inevitably result from these events. According to the Mayo Clinic website,
“Domestic violence affects children, even if no one is physically attacking them. If you have children, remember that being exposed to domestic violence makes them more likely to have developmental problems, psychiatric disorders, problems at school, aggressive behavior and low self-esteem. You might worry that seeking help could further endanger you and your children, or that it might break up your family. Fathers might fear that abusive partners will try to take their children away from them. However, getting help is the best way to protect your children — and yourself” (Mayo).
I worry that Stephen’s ex might read this and react with rage, act out in front of Älvarún again, attack my brother again, or disappear with my niece again. But I feel a responsibility as a woman to speak out in defense of someone who has been falsely characterized as a threat, just because he is a man. It’s an abuse of the power that women hold. It’s an abuse of the system that is put in place to protect all of us and it's an abuse of the biases that come with the corruption of that system. There are also women in this world that pose a threat. Both men and women commit abuses against each other, and we have a responsibility to hear the voices of all victims, female and male. Stephen’s ex has many incentives to protect the narrative she has created, the most important of which I believe to be a deep fear of abandonment - the hallmark characteristic behind Borderline Personality Disorder. A major obstacle that we face in attempting to heal is stigma in our society. We need to talk about these things in order to grow from them. There needs to be safety in our realities. What could happen if we set aside shame? If instead we focused on healing. Domestic violence is not rare. It is something that we all have the potential to deal with and it is common in our society. I want to move forward carving out space for healing and forgiveness, not shame or shunning. I want a relationship with my family - my niece and her mom - that is mutually respectful and honest.
It is not easy to ask for support, especially financial support. It’s also uncomfortable to voice our troubles publicly. But it's not hard to ask for justice - for the time with Älvarún back that has been stolen from our family. Stephen and Älvarún have been wronged in a big way and his daughter needs him. I have hope for this next chapter and the future, but we need support. We need this story to be heard. We need truth to conquer fear.
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REFERENCES
“Myths around men experiencing abuse” The National Domestic Violence Hotline.
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/myths-around-men-experiencing-abuse/
Kippert, Amanda. “What is narcissistic personality disorder?” domesticshelters.org
Mayo Clinic staff, “Domestic Violence against men” Mayo Clinic.org Feb 08 2020
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ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
Ariel Leve is an author who grew up with a mom who bears a high number of similarities with Älvarún’s mom. When I listen to Ariel’s story, I have hope for Älvarún. The following are some of her helpful texts and talks.
Leve, Ariel. An abbreviated life: a memoir. Harper. New York, 2016.
Leve, Ariel. “Gaslighting: is an apology necessary to heal after you’ve been abused?”
The Guardian.com. 15 Oct 2018. www.theguardian.com/world/2018/oct/15/gaslighting-is-an-apology-necessary-to-heal-after-abuse
“Restorative justice is, quite broadly, an approach to healing. A way to relieve the burden of anger, pain, shame and helplessness with the aim of finding forgiveness. By uniting the victim with the perpetrator, the torment is ameliorated when the perpetrator takes responsibility for their actions, faces their victim, and makes amends. This act of recognition is often transformative for both victim and perpetrator and is frequently mediated by someone trained to manage the meeting […] Restorative justice is a complex issue and having an expectation can be emotionally dangerous. When expectation exists, there is too much room for disappointment and re-traumatization. It’s a perilous situation for the victim to be in when the potential for gaslighting is so high” (Leve).
TED Archive. “How to deal with gaslighting | Ariel Leve”. YouTube. 2017. https://youtu.be/v4P2Qwh1QCU
“(5:09) I developed four strategies they helped and at the time I didn’t even know that they were strategies so in these uncertain times I want to share them with you and maybe they can help you too. Number one is to remain defiant …
(6:36) recognize that you will never get accountability…
(7:45) let go of the wish for it to be different …
(8:57) Number four would be to develop a healthy detachment” (Leve).